


So You Want to Date a Hunter

by 8thCyn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: #SNRoadSoFar, #SPNFamily, #supernatural - Freeform, Gen, Humor, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 11:04:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10592691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8thCyn/pseuds/8thCyn
Summary: Inspired by the "Supernatural: The Road So Far" podcast: Dean, Sam, and Castiel appear on a dating game show for hunters, hosted by none other than our favorite pseudo-Trickster.





	

INT. A CHEESY GAME SHOW SET. BRIGHT COLORS, 70S STYLE FLORAL DECALS. BEHIND THE HOST THE SET IS DIVIDED INTO TWO SECTIONS: ONE WITH A SINGLE STOOL, ONE WITH THREE STOOLS.  
GABRIEL, our host for the evening, runs across to center stage from the wings, waving with one hand, holding a microphone in the other.

  
                                     GABRIEL  
                                      _(looking directly into the camera and using smarmy game show host voice)_  
Hello there, and welcome to "So You Want to Date a Hunter"! I'm your host, Gabriel, and I like long walks in the clouds, harp music, making home videos, and putting morons into ridiculous situations in a futile attempt to teach them lessons! The object of our game, obviously, is to match up our bachelorette with the hunter of her dreams. So without further ado, let's meet our bachelors, shall we?

_Audience roars and claps its approval. Enter DEAN, CASTIEL, and SAM who go over and sit on the three stools._

  
                                     GABRIEL  
So, let's talk to you first, Bachelor #3. Tell us about yourself, why don't you?

                                     SAM  
 _(shifts uncomfortably in his seat)_  
Um, okay... well, my name is Sam Winchester, and I'm 33 years old. I'm from Lawrence, Kansas. And I'm a hunter...

                                     GABRIEL  
 _(cutting him off)_  
Fascinating! So let's move on to Bachelor #1, shall we? Tell us about yourself.

                                     DEAN  
My name is Dean Winchester. I'm 38 years old, and I'm from Lawrence, Kansas. I enjoy killing vamps and saving pretty girls.

_(gives the camera a wink and a grin)_

  
                                    GABRIEL  
And last but not least, Bachelor #2, tell us something about yourself!  
                                   

                                    CASTIEL  
                                    _(looks over at DEAN)_  
Dean, I don't understand why I'm here...

                                     DEAN  
 _(mutters to CASTIEL)_  
We needed a third hunter, and it was either you or Garth, but his wife wouldn't let him.

                                     GABRIEL  
All righty then! I think it's time we brought out our bachelorette. Now this young lady has been backstage this whole time in a soundproof booth, so she hasn't heard any of what we've just talked about. The only things she will know about our hunters before she chooses one for her mystery date is what answers they give to the questions she's about to ask them. Won't that be fun???

_Audience cheers._

  
                                     GABRIEL  
So come on out here, Tiffany!

_A tiny blonde girl in her early 20s comes out, waves at the audience and sits in her stool on the other side of the stage. GABRIEL walks over and stands at her side, with a fairly obvious glance down her low-cut top. She holds blue cue cards in her hands from which she reads her questions._

                                     GABRIEL  
How are you today, Tiffany?

                                     TIFFANY  
Great, thanks! I'm just SOOO excited to be here!

                                     GABRIEL  
Tell us something about yourself!

                                     TIFFANY  
Well, I'm 23, and I go to Stanford University. I like 70s classic rock music, and getting slushies from the Gas-n-Sip on a hot day.

_SAM and DEAN look at each other as if daring each other to try and win. CASTIEL still looks confused._

  
                                     GABRIEL  
Interesting! Well, let's get started, shall we? Who is your first question for?

                                     TIFFANY  
My first question is for Bachelor #1. What is the longest relationship you've ever been in?

                                     DEAN  
I've been with Baby forever...

                                     SAM  
I don't think she means with your CAR.

                                     DEAN  
Shut up, Sam.

                                     GABRIEL  
Whoa now! No names, Bachelor #1. Let's move on, shall we?

                                      TIFFANY  
Okay, then Bachelor #2, when you were young what was your favorite cartoon to watch?

                                      CASTIEL  
There was no television when I was young. Or cartoons.

                                      TIFFANY  
                                      _(looks confused)_  
Huh?

                                     CASTIEL  
But now I do enjoy an episode of Scooby Doo on Netflix once in a while. Shaggy and Scooby are very loyal to each other. They always have each other's backs. I appreciate that.

                                     TIFFANY  
Oh, I love Scooby Doo! I love how they always end every episode with "...if it wasn't for you meddling kids!" So corny! Anyway, Bachelor #3, what's one thing your mom cooks better than anyone else?

                                     SAM  
Um, well my mom was actually killed by a demon when I was six months old, so...

                                     AUDIENCE  
Awwwww...

                                     SAM  
No, but it's okay, because last year God's sister brought her back from the dead, but we found out that she can't cook, and then she joined up with an organization that tortured me, so... um, I guess I like when she brings burgers and beer back to the bunker?

                                    GABRIEL  
Mmm mmm mmm... gotta love those takeout burgers. Especially with extra cheese. Who gets the next question, Tiffany?

                                    TIFFANY  
My next question is for Bachelor #2. Where did you go on your last date, and what did you do? And don't leave out any of the... racy details...

                                    CASTIEL  
My last date? I guess that would be when I was human, and my boss at the Gas-n-Sip asked me out... well at least I thought she had asked me out, but as it turned out she just wanted me to babysit, and so she went out with this jerk, and then the baby got sick, so I basically spent the whole night trying to calm down a crying child, which would have been much easier if I'd had my grace and I could have just healed her... But seriously, why do I have to answer these ridiculous questions? I can't mate with this woman, that could create a nephilim, and we all know how THAT would work out... so why would she want to go on a date with me?

                                    GABRIEL  
Oka-aaay... moving on! Next question, Tiffany!

                                    TIFFANY  
Bachelor #1, if I was a dessert, what would I be in order to tempt you best?

                                    DEAN  
Pie. Next question!

                                    TIFFANY  
That's... succinct. Bachelor #2, describe what do you prefer in a woman, angel or devil?

                                     CASTIEL  
Angels don't have a gender...

                                     GABRIEL  
                                      _(sighs)_  
You are just no fun sometimes, you know that?

                                     CASTIEL  
I have been told that before. But what do you expect from me? Whoopee cushions and joy buzzers?

                                     GABRIEL  
Buzz kill.

                                     DEAN  
Hey! Can you two squabble later? I've got a date to win.

                                     TIFFANY  
Bachelor #3 where's the most naughty place you've ever done the deed?

                                     SAM  
I don't really like to kiss and tell, but there was this one time I was dating this girl... let's call her Ruby...

                                     DEAN  
Demon, Sam. She was a demon. Not a girl. You were bonking a demon.

                                     SAM  
Come on, Dean... she was in a human vessel! It's not like I was making love to a puff of black smoke!

                                     DEAN  
"Making love"? What kind of chick flick is this? Should I get out my hanky?

                                     CASTIEL  
I didn't know you carried a handkerchief, Dean...

                                     GABRIEL  
All right! Enough already! Tiffany, next question.

                                     TIFFANY  
Bachelor #1, describe your ideal date, and don't leave out any details if you really want to woo me!

                                     DEAN  
First, we'd go for a long drive in my car, listen to some Zeppelin. We'd drive to the vamp nest I'd just heard about, and together we'd machete those mothers until the sun went down. I've got to tell you: there's nothing that turns my crank more than a woman who knows how to handle a machete. Then, once the fangs were taken care of, we'd head to the local diner for some burgers, beer, and pie. Or maybe even a really fine whiskey. Then, back to my motel room, where my brother would NOT be hanging out because he was busy at the all-night library, re-reading his favorite Judy Blume books.

                                    TIFFANY  
Oh... wow... well, then...

                                    GABRIEL  
You really know how to woo 'em, don't you Bachelor #1?

                                    TIFFANY  
Bachelor #2, let's play "Marry, Kill or..." well, you know what...

                                    CASTIEL  
What is this? Who do I have to kill? How is this playful?

                                    SAM  
No Cas, it's a game. She lists three names, and you pick which one you want to marry, which one you would kill, and which one you... want to create a nephilim with...

                                    CASTIEL  
I just said that I...

                                    DEAN  
It's just a game, Cas. Pretend you're still human.

                                    TIFFANY  
                                    _(alarmed)_  
He isn't human?

                                    CASTIEL  
I still don't understand the purpose of this, but all right: what are the names?

                                    TIFFANY  
Beyonce, Betty White, and Wilma Flintstone.

                                    CASTIEL  
                                    _(protesting)_  
Wilma Flintstone isn't even real! She's a cartoon character... 

                                    GABRIEL  
                                    _(to TIFFANY)_  
Why don't we just move on?

                                   TIFFANY  
Sounds good to me... Bachelor #1, your turn: Jessica Simpson, Taylor Swift, and Paris Hilton.

                                   DEAN  
Well, I already killed Paris Hilton. Sort of, I mean... it wasn't actually HER, she was an Eastern European forest god, but yeah, after that there's no way I'm going to dip my oar in THAT water, know what I mean? 

                                   SAM  
Hey - I was the one who killed Paris Hilton!

                                   DEAN  
Whatever. Potayto potahto... the bitch is dead. So Paris - kill. And really, no question for the other two: I'd totally sleep with Simpson. Come on, Daisy Duke? So I guess it's marry Taylor... she's just got some catchy tunes at least. But let's face facts: if I marry anyone they're probably going to end up dead, so no amount of bubbly pop music is going to help her then...

                                   GABRIEL  
He has a point! Next question, Tiffany.

                                   TIFFANY  
I... do I have to?

                                   GABRIEL  
Why yes, yes you do! Them's the rules here on...

                                   AUDIENCE  
"So You Want to Date a Hunter!"

                                   TIFFANY  
If I have to then... Bachelor #3, same question. Your names are...

_GABRIEL whispers in her ear and hands her a card._

  
                                   TIFFANY  
Wait, why? Who are these... fine. Bachelor #3 your names are Jessica, Amelia, and Madison?

_Audience gasps._

                                    SAM  
WHAT?

                                   DEAN  
Low blow there, lady...

                                   TIFFANY  
What? I didn't... those weren't my... he gave them to me! Who are those girls?

                                   DEAN  
My brother can't help it that he has a penis of death!

                                   TIFFANY  
Your brother? Penis of DEATH? What kind of show is this?!? Is this some kind of sick joke?

                                   CASTIEL  
I can assure you, Tiffany, that the tendency of Sam's lovers to die horrifically is no laughing matter.

                                   TIFFANY  
Look, I only agreed to come on here because I got rejected from "The Bachelor." I am so out of here. I should have gone with the offer from "Crowley the Millionaire."

_TIFFANY storms off the stage in a huff._

  
                                    CASTIEL  
So wait? Which one of us won?

                                     SAM  
No one, Cas. She left.

                                    CASTIEL  
But I thought this was a game. Shouldn't someone win? This wasn't very enjoyable.

                                    DEAN  
Screw this. Let's go, Sammy. C'mon Cas. I hear there's a great diner down the street with an apple pie to die for.

_SAM, DEAN and CASTIEL all get up and walk off the stage. GABRIEL looks over at the camera._

  
                                    GABRIEL  
Well, that's it for another - well, the only - episode of "So You Want to Date a Hunter". Up next, stay tuned for another exciting episode of "Casa Erotica: Cage Match"!

 

  


End file.
